We all start businesses with good intentions. ‘We’ll both work hard.. We‘re good friends and we respect each other. Our combined skills will be needed for the business to be successful. A partnership will help the business grow more quickly.’ Then life happens. One owner decides to get married and children come soon after - meaning no more late nights. Another has to travel to deal with aging parents. One is in a car accident or develops a debilitating disease. Someone just gets bored or tired of doing what they’re doing. Or one gets caught up in a new venture that seems like a better opportunity or captures his/her passion. One partner sees himself putting more and more time into the business and perceives the other puts in less and less. Perhaps she even takes more than her fair share monetarily out of the business. A ‘temporary’ situation that evokes compassion from a generous partner stretches out and becomes more and more permanentmaking the generous partner feel taken advantage of. Sometimes tension develops. Comments turn into barbs. There are passive aggressive actions taken. Blaming occurs. Employees have a hard time functioning in this environment and productivity declines. Families have to bear the burden of your persistent stress and distraction.   There’s not enough money or maybe too much. Business partner relationships also cycle downward when business gets slow and money is scarce. Stress levels go up. Overwhelm and fear of loss of income set in. Alternatively, perhaps the business is doing really well and greediness takes over. See where you can save up money. For example you can save up money on utility charges by signing a contract with companies like Utility Saving Expert who can reduce your expenses. Communication spirals downward I’ve seen situations like this occur. One partner offers a comment (even a fairly innocuous comment). The other partner takes it the wrong way, feels offended and says something nasty back. Then the first partner may up the ante and respond with their own jab, maybe not right away. They may save it for just the right moment later when it has the most impact. Then all future comments are construed to be condescending or intentionally diminishing, dismissing or disempowering. This becomes the new normal. It’s stressful and demands a lot of energy. Partners are exhausted; employees are walking around on eggshells. Families suffer. What’s the brain science behind this? Our brains have several sections and we can choose which one will be in charge in most non-survival situations. The amygdala is often called the reptilian brain or the lizard brain and is located at the back of the head. It’s the earliest part of our brain to develop and its main job is to make sure we survive. It’s in charge of flight or fright, and self defense. It often goes on the offense as a means of self-protection. When we feel threatened, the amygdala comes up with ways to lash back at the perceived aggressor, blame the other person to get us off the hook, protect our ego, make us look good, do harm to our attacker by diminishing and disempowering him. The amygdala is focused on our own self and safety. We also have a prefrontal cortex, the executive brain that sits behind our forehead. It’s the newest part of the brain that is visionary, open to discover, strategic, exploratory, celebratory, and appreciative. It collaborates, connects, communicates and co-creates with others. It’s focused on people and things outside ourselves. It’s built for connection, and so is open to risk and vulnerability. We have the ability to observe our own behavior and change what part of our brain we’re putting in charge of our words and our behaviors. Some people feel consumed by their emotions and react to circumstances in their environments as if they have no choice.  However, those same people can learn to recognize their own patterns and choose to react from their prefrontal cortexes. They can learn new habits which means they can train their brains using neuroplasticity to create and reinforce new nerve pathways. What’s more is that MRI research shows that when you are functioning from your prefrontal cortex, the mirror neurons in your conversation partner’s brain start functioning from her prefrontal cortex. You have the power to change the whole conversation to a prefrontal cortex based conversation by just getting it started. What’s A Business Partner To Do? Here are three recommendations, two for everyday conversation and one for a once-a-year overall evaluation (more often if needed).

1. Show appreciation. This automatically, if it’s authentic, engages the prefrontal cortex. When I work with executives, I start each meeting by asking them to share what they appreciate about each other. It’s often admiration for something he did well since the last meeting. You’d be surprised at how often the person being appreciated was totally unaware that his action had a positive impact. This exercise powerfully creates communication and palpable bonds.
2. When you hear something coming from your business partner that sounds like you could take offense at it, stop. Breathe. Tell yourself that you want to have a prefrontal-cortex-based conversation. Don’t attach any meaning to what was said. Instead ask an exploratory question, one for which you have no answer. Make it a discovery question of what the other person’s viewpoint actually is. Really listen. Honor your partner with your complete attention. Maybe there are some valid points to discuss. Give him the benefit of any doubt. Make the conversation about learning more about each other and deepening the relationship. You don’t have to agree. Just listen. You validate each other with your full focused attention. You show that you care. He then reacts from a place of safety and acknowledgement, not from fear and retaliation. The way things are said and how you both felt when saying them is remembered way longer than the content of the conversation.
3. In order to stay in good communication about the business and your partnership, I recommend you do the following every year as part of the planning process for the next year. Re-evaluate your business relationship and the big picture of how you work together to direct the picture. If you decided up front in your original partnership agreement that you were 50-50 owners, then the questions you would ask every year would include:

Are we both putting in the same amount of time and effort to grow the business?

Are we both investing the same financial or other resources into the business?

Are we both taking equal amounts of money/perks/benefits out of the business?

Are we both still happy with our arrangement?

Do we both enjoy the roles we’re each playing in the business?

As we go through this planning process what might change about the roles we play? (considering growth goals, restructuring goals, etc)

What do we each have going on in our lives that impacted the business last year?

What do we anticipate will be going on in our lives in the coming year that might impact the business and each other?

How do we plan for our personal monetary needs as our lives change? How can our business planning provide for that?

It may be that you both decide together to make changes to your original partner agreement based on the discussion around these questions. Don’t be afraid to modify the agreement every year if new situations arise. In fact, forward thinking partners build into their partnership agreement that they will have an annual partnership evaluation conversation. Staying in good communication and keeping it fair will contribute to the growth and stability of your business, the productivity level of your employees, and your own health and stress level. The relationship between you and your partner forms the basis of the culture of your company. It impacts all areas of your business including your company’s bottom line and your personal income.

 

Drew just got done giving his staff of five the parameters of a new service they would be offeringhow it would be rolled out, what the CEO wanted the company to be known for and what a high quality deliverable would look like.

 

Then he said, “Let’s now have a level 3 conversation^*.”

 

Pat, knowing that a level 3 conversation was all about discovery and co-creating, said, ‘Let’s talk about how our clients will be best able to use this.”

Jeff added, “What are each of our ideas for incorporating it into our other offerings? He knew level 3 conversations ask questions that you don’t know the answers to because the group is going to create the together.

Emily was curious how they could organize their procedures and their resources to optimize their success. She got everyone’s input. Level 3 conversations make it welcoming for everyone to contribute.

Drew acknowledged his team. You are so inspiring to me. I trust that you’ll do a great job and create this in a more enhanced way than even our CEO had imagined.

Level 3 conversations are generated by a leader who proactively values his team’s input, trusts their intelligence and resourcefulness, let’s them take ownership, engages them through discovery and collaboration. He stimulates them to use their prefrontal cortexes (the front part of the brain) and to have neurotransmitters like serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine creating good feelings, positive relationships and high levels of productivity.

He’s known as a person who brings out the best in all his staff. Everyone wants to work for him because they are never made to feel threatened or defensive. He demands high quality but everyone knows he cares about them. Initiative and efficiency soar and more profit hits the bottom line.

It starts with awareness of what  level 1,level 2 and level 3 conversations are so that each person can observe their own behavior and make choices rather than just react to circumstances. Communication skills are like the oil that makes machinery work smoothly removing the friction so everything works faster and effortlessly.

If you would like to be this kind of a magnet leader, be known for inspiring high levels of productivity in all the teams you lead, and rise quickly in your organization, then let’s talk. Your first exploratory session is free.

*(Level 3 conversation is a term created by Judith Glaser in her methodology and her book Conversational IQ)

Mark was aggravated. Shelly had just told him‘We’re not going to meet our projections.” She had created goals that were important to the organization. Without their completion, other departments couldn’t move forward. Now she and her team were falling short. What was he going to do? Get bossy and demanding? Question? Plead? Yell? Act passive-aggressively? Punish her or her department? Throw up his hands in frustration? Mark’s question (maybe yours, too)  

How do I get my employees to own what they promise and deliver on it?

  The heavy stuff doesn’t work. It just makes the employees shut down, get fearful and defensive and be less productive. It triggers the amygdala, the reptilian part of the brain responsible for survival because the employee feels so threatened. The prefrontal cortex, the executive problem-solving part of the brain, then doesn’t have a chance to function. And it’s not about ‘fixing’ the employee. It’s your responsibility as the business owner to set up the culture and internal systems and check their options that makes accountability rampant in your company. Here’s a better strategy.

1. Set clear expectations. Have them involved in creating the expectations. Have them summarize the expectations and time frame so you know they’ve got it. Make sure they know the context around the project, how important it is, how it fits into the big picture. More clarity may be needed as the project progresses through twists and turns.
2. Do they have the wherewithal to accomplish the goals or project? Skills, background, mentoring, resources, team, coaching? Why set them up for failure if they don’t have access to what will ensure success?
3. Monitor progress and give feedback. Agree on weekly milestones that are measurable. Are they meeting their milestones? Why or why not? Be open, factual, succinct, and honest. Encourage requests for support. Empower them to redesign, reschedule, create fixes so the project stays on track week by week. Is there something they are not getting from you that’s creating an obstacle?

In a nutshell be collaborative. Be a coach. (the opposite of a demanding boss who is super critical, unapproachable and rarely satisfied). As the project gets completed make sure that the employee is appreciated, recognized and even rewarded. I bet they’ll be much more capable when taking on their next project. And now they’re ready to coach someone else through a project. Alternatively, if after you’ve taken responsibility for doing 1, 2, and 3 completely, the employee still isn’t meeting the expectations, then it’s time to reevaluate his/her role. When you act in this way and follow steps 1, 2, and 3, you set up a culture of accountability. You’re modeling it for others in your organization. You’re setting up the expectation that promises will be kept, and we work with each other and hold each other responsible for meeting goals. You also get known throughout the company as a person who brings out the best in each of your employees. You become a magnet for good talent as well as a successful business mogul.

“We practice NEAT here”said the manager. “What’s NEAT?” said the temp. “It’s an acronym. It stands for - say the customer’s Name, make Eye contact, Ask Questions and say Thank you. We really want the customer to experience how special she is.  At our business we hold each other accountable for always providing a great experience to every customer.” “Really? You mean you tell your co-workers when they aren’t treating the customers well enough?” “Yes, we know we’re all in this together to make the customer and everything about that customer’s experience super welcoming, caring, special, and respectful. We want him to feel listened to, unique and that he really matters. Why wouldn’t we help each other create that total feeling consistently? We give each other customer service tips and sometimes even silly signals to playfully hold each other to achieving our common goal. It’s our culture.“

Here is the financial impact of a poor customer service culture:

• A typical employee witnesses 19 poor customer-service incidents per year.
• Together, those incidents result in a 17 percent drop in revenue annually per customer.
• Poor service negatively affects the business a customer does with a company by 50 percent or more! This is the case for 75 percent of business-to-consumer (B2C) customers and 42 percent of business-to-business (B2B) customers. Specialists at Professional Communications Network believe that your clients should receive the service they expect when acting as the voice of your company.

The key to creating extraordinary customer service is to create a culture where anyone can speak up to anyone about serving customers and creating customer experiences..

Toma business manager, told me. “I don’t have to thank my employees. They’re doing their jobs. That’s what they’re paid to do. I’ll thank and praise them when they do something extra.”

Me: “Do you like to be praised? Do you like to be thanked?”

Tom: “Sure, but only when I deserve it.”

Me: “And how do you feel when you are praised or thanked?”

Tom: “I feel good, I feel appreciated.”

Me: “And do those good feelings help you be more productive, pick up your energy, make you feel like contributing more of yourself?”

Tom: “I guess what you’re saying is that I can effect my people’s productivity by how much I praise and thank them. It’s not how much I wait to see them generate themselves to do their work. I can proactively stimulate them to be productive by thanking them and praising them.”

Me: “Exactly, it’s called good leadership, creating a culture of appreciation that brings out the best in everyone.”

Practice: Make it a habit to every day give the gift of a thank you, a compliment or praise to each person on your team or in your organization. Look for the good things you can acknowledge. It’s amazing what shows up when you look for the good things, stuff that was there that you never noticed before, and stuff that is newly present because of the positive culture you’ve established. Also, notice another result: Your employees are thanking and praising your clients just like you’ve been thanking and praising your employees. Happy Thanksgiving every day!!

“I liked everything you did on the projectbut…” “You put in a lot of effort, but…” “I did everything you asked. But …”

‘But’ is a set up for negativity. It’s telling the listener that ‘the other shoe is about to drop’. It’s letting judgment come into the picture so the listener knows they are never good enough. It’s training the listener to expect to be put down, to get their shields ready, to avoid really listening and prepare to get defensive instead. Or, it’s letting you off the hook because you’re about to not take responsibility for something. Maybe you’re going to blame someone or something else. If you want your employee or someone in your life to deeply listen, be engaged and empowered, can you really afford to put ‘but’ into your conversation and coaching? Practice: Ask someone to count how many times you let ‘but’ creep into your conversation. Make it a fun exercise that helps you improve your way of speaking to people. Share it with your staff or family and eliminate ‘but’ from all the conversations in your workplace, family or friendships.